@WilliamAder

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

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@MollyCocktail

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

@TheReal_AndyMac

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@DepecheALAmode

I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”

@AnOrangeSNES

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@robolollycop

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@difficultpatty

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

@crylenol

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?