If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The only equipped I am is ill.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel