Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.