Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

That’s no pocket rocket.

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”