Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

Talk about a bad egg

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.