If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
They’re really bad with fonts.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
dutch so unserious
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work