If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood