if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me buying fruit and veg
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My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Happy weekend !
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*