Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

this got me crying😭😭

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you