Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it