if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.