If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
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When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*