Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?