If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Thrilling chase underway
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freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”