Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

I finally found a reason to live again.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Attacked by a mop.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS