If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist