If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.