If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I cannot stop laughing at this
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.