If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees