Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.