@sixfootcandy

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

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@aaronfredericks

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

@Boleyngirly

I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

@novicefather

“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.

@JKickinit30

It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.

@50FirstTates

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

@djdarrellripley

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!