Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

This seems like peak sibling energy

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!