If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
aura
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center