If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?