Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

I am a gravy boat captain

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.