If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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I think this should do it.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?