If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Priorities
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
