If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
a fate I wish upon no one
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.