Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*