If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*orders delivery*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..