If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
sir, my pâté if you please
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?