If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack