Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.