If you’re looking for another bad decision, I’m here.
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.