If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
some Old Testament wisdom
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Spa day..😅
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend