If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.