If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
no way 😭
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it