Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.