If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name