Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*