Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I enjoy a good short stor
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better