If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Milk Cube
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
My five year plan is a meteorite
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.