If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
fixed it
#damn
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I disagree with my politics
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.