If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”