If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
What the hell is going on?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)