If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.