Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Always…

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops