If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Plumber: I think I found the problem