If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
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Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.