if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
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She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I put the I in Insufferable.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
🤝
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.