Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

when mom throws a party…

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

I missed you with all my darts

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.