Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations