If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
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happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”