If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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Science is fun!
#nottrue
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
About to form my very first opinion
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
S O O N
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it