If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people