Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

The 30 other team’s fans watching the Super Bowl

– I hope they both lose

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.