If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name