If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan