If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.