If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
Happy Febuary everyone!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
For the ones in the back.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18