If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
the world’s most popular steaming services
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
