Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao the reply

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.