Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

🛁

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better