If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Facebook memories be like
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
