If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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bat life
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.