If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Oh hi lol
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.