if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Just did a big green poo by a canal
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.