if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?