“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
