Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

I like long walks away from everyone

See..?

.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it