If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??