If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*